first thing to know about a survival situation. Is not
get into a survival situation.
Lottery is a tax on idiots. Or on people who can't do
second day of a diet is always easier than the first.
second day you're off it.
- Jackie Gleason
have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking
five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we
where the hell she is.
- Ellen DeGeneris
not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.
- Carol Leifer
have a daughter who goes to SMU. She could've gone to
in California, but it's one more letter she'd have to
- Shecky Greene
are lucky because they get to grow mustaches. I wish I
It's like having a little pet for your face.
- Anita Wise
think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for
marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
- Rita Rudner
reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would
be caught dead in otherwise.
- Roger Simon
conference is a gathering of important people who singly
nothing, but together can decide that nothing can be done.
- Fred Allen
cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston
Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for sixteen hardened
- Ronnie Corbett
four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing,
bank robbery has just taken place.
- Johnny Carson
you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an
and anyone going faster than you is a moron.
- George Carlin
is drive-through. In California they even have a burial
service called Jump-In-The-Box.
- Wil Shriner
The science of arresting the human intelligence long
enough to get money from it.
- Stephen Leacock
spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt; donate it to the
Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it and put it on
a hanger and
next morning you can buy it back for seventy-five cents.
- William Coronel
desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore
- Dave Edison
law school is so hard to get through, how come there are
- Calvin Trillin
love cats ... they taste just like chicken.
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
Cover me. I'm changing lanes.
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public
Happiness is a belt-fed weapon.
Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep.
I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather...Not screaming
in terror like
he passengers in his car.
Montana -- At least our cows are sane!
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to
be a vegetarian.
Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an IDIOT!
When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven
is like the IRS.
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
Where there's a will, I want to be in it!
Okay, who stopped payment on my reality check?
If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made
Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its
Forget about World Peace...Visualize Using Your Turn Signal
Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
He/She who laughs last thinks slowest
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere
may be happy.
Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
i souport publik edekasion
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'...till you
can find a rock.
2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.
I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with
3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who
We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated.
Back Up My Hard Drive? How do I Put it in Reverse?
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have
Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't
He's not dead, He's electroencephalographically challenged.
She's always late. Her ancestors arrived on the June flower.
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say
will be misquoted,
hen used against you.
I wonder how much deeper would the ocean be without sponges.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Pardon my driving, I am reloading.
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains
Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.
A day without sun shine is like, you know, night.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
Be thankful your wife has leggs, if she didn't, think
what her feet would smell like.
don't try to acheive imortality through my work, I try
ro acheive it by not dying.
Bills, bills, bills, I feel like a pelican, everywhere
I turn there's an enormous bill in front of me.